E411: Atomic Bomb

Emergency 411 | Mar. 29, 2007

Information on how to build (and detonate!) your own thermonuclear device — on the cheap.

I’m at a Shitty Concert!

Emergency 411 | Mar. 28, 2007

I am pleased to introduce a third installment of Emergency 411, the answer guide with all the answers. Today we have a handy tutorial on how to turn a bad concert into a “rockin'” one.

By now you must be asking yourself, “Gee, where does he get his ideas?” Well, that’s just gonna have to be my little secret.

Catch the first two Emergency 411 episodes after the bump.

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Sporty Spice’s Subatomic Superstore

| Mar. 25, 2007

Who says I didn’t do anything worthwhile in school? As a downright spectacular internet programmer, I had to get a start somewhere and — though this isn’t it — this is a project for my Programming in Computing class that always brings a smile to my face. I figured if that Spice Girls thing didn’t work out, Melanie Chisholm could always become an atomic wholesaler. I mean that’s what Girl Power was all about, right?

Sporty Spice’s Subatomic Superstore!

Sporty Spice’s Subatomic Superstore!

Click the image above for the best website 1998 has to offer!

Sarcastic Hulk is very, very clever

Sarcastic Hulk | Mar. 21, 2007

I tell ya, Green Man’s Burden.

You work your ass off at the high-energy physics lab, trying to buy the good life for your mouthy, hippie girlfriend, only she doesn’t respect you, she’s too busy “rebelling” against her military brass father. Maybe he didn’t hug her enough as a kid, so now she’s taking it out on him by protesting his corrupt military-industrial corporation. The very military contractor you work for. And to top it all off, on the one day you get bombarded with a lethal dose of gamma radiation, you find out your company just cut your healthcare.

It just makes you so… so… snide.

See what happens when a guy who couldn’t take it anymore… takes it A LITTLE MORE!

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Dan Danger: Hide And Seek Danger

Blog | Mar. 16, 2007

Scott McCloud, author of the thought-provoking meta-comic Understanding Comics had a great idea to get people making and thinking about comics more: The 24-Hour Comic. The idea is simple: make a 24-page comic book in 24 hours.

My friend Pete is the one who introduced me to this, and was responsible for rounding up three friends for a full day of drawing comics. Having the artistic and storytelling skills of your average grade schooler, I made my weaknesses my strengths and created a cold-war era hero your 8-year-old brother might’ve dreamed up. His name is Dan Danger.

Dan Danger

John Woo eat your heart out

In his first outing, the ever-grimacing super-spy Dan Danger is tasked with rescuing a top rocket scientist from far behind the iron curtain! Enjoy 24 action-packed (and dialogue-light!) pages of secret agent adventure filtered through simplistic jingoism.

And while you’re reading, you may want to ignore what we discovered — that Scott McCloud’s idea of fostering creativity in the visual storytelling medium actually turned out to be a way to churn out some really rushed, mediocre comics.

Send a Shamrock Shake please!

| Mar. 14, 2007

It’s that time of year again, when the streets are awash in drunkard piss and the change in life turns all cellulose gum-based dairy products green. Why it’s almost St. Patrick’s Day!

What better time than to get one of McDonald’s signature Shamrock Shakes? Whoa, slow down there big fella! You’ve gotta find one first.

Shamrock Shake: fact or fiction?I was still feeling the sting from the last March 17th, when on that most holy of seasonal dessert days, all three of the McDonalds’ shake machines in the Hollywood area were out of order, so this year I endeavored with the oft-mentioned Todd to beat the holiday rush and get a Shamrock Shake a few days early. What we soon discovered was that our quest would be as challenging as it was insipid. In McDonald’s after McDonald’s, the responses we got from their employees was one that would not pass even the most rudimentary Turing test:

Me: “Excuse me, when is the Shamrock Shake going to be available?”
Meatbag: “err…chocolate, strawberry, vanilla?”

And in some cases, this was from the manager. The response couldn’t have been any more useless if they had answered, “Tell me more about Shamrock Shake?”

Google: Shamrock Shake

So a few days later, we hit the McDonald’s off Sunset & Vine. With St. Paddy’s day but a week away …if not now, when?

Alright, so that was a bust, too. How does the leading fast food chain, pioneer of the seasonal dessert, fall so far behind? We stormed out of that McDonald’s, empty-handed. Sure, Todd wanted to go back for actual food, but I wanted to send the McDonald’s franchise a message.

“Don’t give them the satisfaction.” I spat.

Instead, we settle on the next best approximation of food: Jack in the Box. Wouldn’t it be funny if they had Shamrock Shakes there?

It appears someone at the Jack in the Box corporate headquarters, perhaps even Jack himself, saw a gap in the McDonalds armor and decided to throw their hat into the seasonal shake ring. Because when we got in line, for a limited time: Andes Mint fucking Shake. And it can only be there to compete with the — currently in absentia — Shamrock Shake. I mean, who releases a mint shake in March?

This isn’t the first time the franchise out of San Diego was there to “shake” up the seasonal drink market. Jack has sparred with McDonald’s before, most notably with their rival Egg Nog shakes and their currently unmatched (though not necessarily delicious) Pumpkin Pie shake. I can only wait for a Valentine’s day shake that tastes like chalk candy hearts or a Fourth of July shake that tastes like a sparkler or something.

Sure, by now my thirst for mint ice cream was sated, but what of my esoteric thirst for closure? I had still not found a bona-fide Shamrock Shake. In my hometown of the land that time forgot, there is a McDonald’s that in its history skidded a little bit off the beaten path of corporate monoculture. I’m not saying it’s the restaurant where you could order say, a Mogwai, or a monkey’s paw, but along with such heretofore unimaginable desserts as Dippin’ Dots and Brownie Sundaes, I would be surprised if they didn’t have at least one under a heat lamp.

I saunter up to the register and place my Sphinx’s riddle of a drink order, receiving the usual blank stare. That’s when I notice something. Scrutinizing the menu for any sign of a green milkshake, I see wedged into a corner of their Shakes menu the words Try Egg Nog. I do.

“Okay… can I get an Egg Nog shake?” After all, Christmas is only nine months away.

She checks the register.

“¿Small, medium, large?”

Dammit, she called my bluff. Note to self: come back in the winter and try my luck ‘o the Irish then.

Make tonight a Weak Night

Blog | Mar. 8, 2007

When I was at UCLA, probably the most significant thing I did was partake in a student-run television show some friends and I aired on campus TV. Sad, I know. Well, several years down the road, those of us left have endeavored to capture lightning in a bottle a second time, and the result is called Weak Nights:

Visit Weak Nights

I have to say that, much to my chagrin, my user profile on the site is a family tree that does not branch. Instead of making videos, I’ve been spending my time programming the site you’re waiting to look at in that new browser tab. So go there, click around and see the totally amazing videos my friends have produced. And if you’re going to comment-spam, just remember the person who made it all possible.

</dying of embarrassment>

| Mar. 7, 2007

My friend Todd is usually up on current technology trends, so I was excited when he sent me an article from my hometown’s very own newspaper, The Free Lance, about a new portable entertainment device! I couldn’t wait to find out more. Apparently it’s a machine called an “iPod”.

It’s a little contraption – about the size of a deck of cards – but it can almost literally put heaven and earth at your finger tips.

Almost in disbelief, I checked and re-checked, but there was no denying it: this article was dated today.

What other gems did this article offer up? It continues:

A podcast is almost like an electronic version of a magazine or radio show that people subscribe to for free. The term is a combination of the Apple MP3 player “iPod” and the word “broadcast.”

So this will be helpful if you ever need to explain what a podcast is to your grandma. To learn more about iPod, find the whole mortifying story here: Becoming Pod People

At last! The sequel to 299!

| Mar. 7, 2007

Three HundredThe new movie 300 is yet another adolescent male power fantasy from the fertile mind of perpetual angry 13 year old Frank Miller, but this film is unique in that it has a mercifully less punitive attitude towards male genitalia than the writer’s other work.

Come to think of it, when the main characters are all half-naked warriors, taut, toned and bare-chested, this movie is gayer than the super bowl.

300 is about a king who defies his country’s rule of law and goes to war with a vaguely-defined threat from the middle east, but I can hardly see how a story like this is even relevant in this day and age.

Ultimately, what this movie makes me think about most is what terrible shape I’m in. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some sit-ups to do. About 300.

MobiFest gets the Emergency 411

Blog | Mar. 5, 2007

A year ago, I had submitted an episode of my cartoon series What Would Jesus Do? to The Animation Show, in the hopes I would join the ranks of this generation’s top animators, perhaps through a clerical error. And since I’m not currently rolling in that sweet religious satire money, it’d seem Mike and Don didn’t think all that much of what I had to offer.

However, roughly a month or two ago, I got an email saying my Jesus video was in fact a finalist in their competition, and that was reason enough for them to invite me (and I’m sure several hundred of my peers) to compete in their latest venture: MobiFest.

And so I spent the next four weeks keeping myself very busy, furiously animating as well as working my other jobs. What I had at the end of it was the first two of what should be a continuing series of just-in-time info on what to do when you find yourself in a heartstopping situation.

I also ended up with a bit of flak from management for sleeping at work the day after I finished, but that’s neither here nor there.

Anyway, here are the videos:

Emergency 411: Building an Atomic Bomb

Emergency 411: Skydiving