I’ve been trying to lose a little weight, so my friends and I got together for a game that’s both great exercise and a clever way to hide my secret bulimia: vomit tag!
Banned from YouTube!
Month: February 2008
Categories
I’m calling from the Home Office
A new Weak Nights video is up, and what could be better than office drama? Why it’s home office drama. Watch a guy argue with his girlfriend!!
It was 2001 when my friend Nick and I wrote our first (and only) cartoon about the sardonic, ever-suffering super hero The Sarcastic Hulk. And over the last two years I had been living that cartoon. I’m so damned observant I only needed my friend Lisa to point it out. You tell me if there are any similarities between a certain mild-mannered workaday tool and the jaded giant:
- Pushover Bruce Banner gets laid off at his dead-end job.
- Bruce dates a hippie. Their relationship consists mostly of arguing and making out.
- Mounting failures and everyday frustrations make SH bitter and also kind of a dick.
And most of all…
- Our hero is sarcastic.
Talk about life imitating art! If only someone had kept writing these I may have had some warning. Oh wait. But what gets me is I didn’t see this situation coming and I wrote it.*
*I will catch endless hell from one Nick Shaheen if I don’t mention that he also wrote the script, and that I’m an ass for taking out all his best jokes. Nick, nobody was going to get a joke about Meredith Baxter-Berney.
Yep, it finally happened. I’ve put on my internet blogging tinfoil hat.
It started with an insightful, possibly apocryphal, letter from Thomas Paine to Andrew Dean claiming “The fable of Christ and his twelve apostles … is a parody on the sun and the twelve signs of the zodiac”. It is still a relevant letter to this day, as Paine takes a moment to call out anyone who would wear their religion on their sleeve, cynically claiming to be a Christian without actually acting like one. “Their religion is all creed and no morals.”
This then led me to one of those interminable conspiracy documentaries a-la “Loose Change” entitled Zeitgeist. I skipped past the worthless first ten minutes, past some laden anti-religious indoctrination and bad clip art until I found a compelling argument for the astrological basis of the story of Jesus and his 12 disciples — an analog Paine discovered long before I did. Maybe he had Google Video, too?
It makes you think. 
I can’t believe how people actually voted way back in the 20th century. FUN FACT! Did you know there were as many as THREE political parties back then?
I don’t know about you, but this election I’m voting for Officer John McClain.
Wait, John McCain? Aw, shit.
I booted up Word for the one thing it’s good at — writing resumes — and when I went to save my file, I was once again baffled by the ‘save’ icon in the upper left corner. It’s a goddam Zip disk. Still. What year is it, Word? 1998, maybe? Are people still using these quarter-gigabyte wonders to save all their precious files? Even as 80GB iPods and thumbdrives and CD-Rs abound, the ubiquitous icon for saveability is still the 250MB Iomega Zip disk??
Even the idea of removable storage is so outdated I’m guessing Microsoft still hasn’t gotten through ripping off ideas from the original Macintosh. Speaking of old things, that perennial burn on Microsoft. Yeah, they steal from Apple. I went there.
Categories
I feel fantastic!
I can’t remember when I last slept! I had been cooped up in my apartment writing code all night, and when the sun began to shine through my mini-blinds I knew I wasn’t going to get any sleep now, since that’s exactly what happened yesterday morning. So I grabbed my ipod and went for a walk.
I headed down Santa Monica listening to Rebel Rebel when I caught my reflection in a guitar shop window. I’ve been letting my hair grow out, I was bedraggled, hadn’t shaved in days, and hid my eyes behind dark sunglasses. I looked and felt like a rockstar. And as I headed down the sunny side of the street at 8:30 this morning to destinations unknown, the commuter traffic was beginning to pile up. The people who had to go to sleep at a sensible hour, only to drag themselves out of bed to get into their car and sit in traffic on their way to another day at their hateful job. More grist for the mill. And I was out taking a walk, enjoying the morning sunshine. I never felt so free.
When I was working, I had that I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t sleep insomnia gnawing at me, but this time it was different. It wasn’t the insomnia that was bothering me, it was the anxiety about when I had to wake up. Now I don’t have to sleep. I felt like I had finally found my own schedule, and it felt wonderful.
SMITH (the magazine whose name must be shouted) mentions an apocryphal bet once made to Hemingway that he couldn’t write a story only six words long. His answer was the touching, heartbreaking: “For Sale: baby shoes, never worn”.
Thanks to the internet, any jerkoff can now do the same thing and think they’re fucking Hemingway too. Just visit Six Word Memoirs and stand among the literary giants while simultaneously doing both the least amount of work and the maximum amount of navel-gazing. Not coincidentally, SMITH is also selling a book of these memoirs.
And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for, my memoir:
Oh great, it’s that sarcastic guy.
Me and everyone else on the internet decided. We’re going to make a LOLcats version of everything. Today we made a list and I got assigned the 1968 Kubrick film “2001: A Space Odyssey“, so here goes. The first LOLcats in 2:1 widescreen.
Hopefully it will turn out better than that ‘lolternative’ nonsense from last year.
