SMITH (the magazine whose name must be shouted) mentions an apocryphal bet once made to Hemingway that he couldn’t write a story only six words long. His answer was the touching, heartbreaking: “For Sale: baby shoes, never worn”.

Thanks to the internet, any jerkoff can now do the same thing and think they’re fucking Hemingway too. Just visit Six Word Memoirs and stand among the literary giants while simultaneously doing both the least amount of work and the maximum amount of navel-gazing. Not coincidentally, SMITH is also selling a book of these memoirs.

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for, my memoir:

Me and everyone else on the internet decided. We’re going to make a LOLcats version of everything. Today we made a list and I got assigned the 1968 Kubrick film “2001: A Space Odyssey“, so here goes. The first LOLcats in 2:1 widescreen.

Hopefully it will turn out better than that ‘lolternative’ nonsense from last year.

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I make it no secret that I hate animating in Flash. I recently upgraded to Adobe’s CS3 Web Premium for the latest version of Flash and some other stuff, and that’s when the headaches started.

A big question mark appeared over my head when the package details read I would need Java 1.4.1 installed on my OS X machine for this suite. Adobe apps are written in Java?! The best programming language of 1998?? I breathed a sigh of relief when I learned it was just the installer that was written in Java. Sun may put the dot in dot.com, but Java puts the STALL in installer. The installer progresses 75% of the way, then hangs. When a program hangs like this, I assume it’s locked up and I force it to quit.

It was only after leaving it to run overnight that I find out a stall of a couple hours is part of normal operation. It took less time to install the seven DVDs making up Final Cut Studio!

OK, now that we’ve got that hurdle overcome, I can start to wonder why Flash was still running in demo mode.

I already had a demo of Flash CS3 installed, and when you install and activate all the other CS3 apps, the installer leaves the original demo copy of Flash installed, inactivated. So the one app I bought the suite for was also the same program that would expire in nine days. I try to enter the serial number it asks for, but I got a serial for the suite, not the app itself. Which is even more confusing when the serials are the same format and length. I know what you’re thinking: just uninstall Flash. Well, it’s the same story here: the installer doesn’t recognize Flash to uninstall it. It’s persona non grata to the installer. No phone, no pool, no pets.

Freeware doesn’t give me this many problems.

Finally I call up tech support and reach Calcutta. I’m not going to take any cheap shots at the Indians who are up at 3am subcontinent time to answer my calls, but an Indian call center just seems like Adobe’s way of letting you know they don’t care.

Finally, I get routed back to tech support stateside, and the terse tech tells me I have to install an Adobe CS3 Clean Script to scrape all the installed and demo files off my machine before running the installer properly. Maybe they should put a thing like that into the installer, hmm?

I did learn one secret: the clean script only presents you with options 1-2, but you can press option 3 to clean ALL files related to CS3, and 4 to delete ALL Adobe apps. It’s the only way to be sure.

Two days later and after numerous reinstalls I’m ready to go, only I forgot what I was working on.

I know what you’re thinking — times are tough all around. Maybe this would be a great addition to White Whine?

An article is making its way up Reddit about how a Nigerian 5-year old is repairing OLPCs. Awesome. One more bit of malfunctioning technology for the third world to deal with, since it’s got that whole food/shelter/war/inflation/AIDS thing worked out already.

The spin is that this enterprising kindergartner is learning a trade fixing broken laptops, and by introducing broken products into the marketplace, OLPC is doing its part to magnanimously create labor for more children. It’s a business model Jean-Baptiste Zorg would be proud of.

Nevermind that some parts can be replaced for $1 when most kids can live on 80¢ a day. Nevermind that this opportunity came about because of broken hardware, or that this child’s time could be better spent elsewhere. Like at a school. Breaking things isn’t actually good for an economy. It’s all covered in the parable of the broken window.