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Your memoir in six words

Published at February 9, 2008 in I thought it was funny. 0 Comments

SMITH (the magazine whose name must be shouted) mentions an apocryphal bet once made to Hemingway that he couldn’t write a story only six words long. His answer was the touching, heartbreaking: “For Sale: baby shoes, never worn”.

Thanks to the internet, any jerkoff can now do the same thing and think they’re fucking Hemingway too. Just visit Six Word Memoirs and stand among the literary giants while simultaneously doing both the least amount of work and the maximum amount of navel-gazing. Not coincidentally, SMITH is also selling a book of these memoirs.

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for, my memoir:

Oh great, it’s that sarcastic guy.

LOL 2001

Published at February 9, 2008 in I thought it was funny. 0 Comments

Me and everyone else on the internet decided. We’re going to make a LOLcats version of everything. Today we made a list and I got assigned the 1968 Kubrick film “2001: A Space Odyssey“, so here goes. The first LOLcats in 2:1 widescreen.

Hopefully it will turn out better than that ‘lolternative’ nonsense from last year.

daves not here man

ceiling hal is watching you communicate

RTFM

Continue reading ‘LOL 2001′

Pumaman does not kill my people

Published at January 17, 2008 in I thought it was funny. 1 Comment

The No Country for Old Men / Pumaman crossover macro no one wanted.

Pumaman does not kill my people

I do not need to kill to find you

OK OK, I promise no more Pumaman posts for awhile. Sheesh, it’s like I’m obsessed. I will shamelessly plug my Pumaman tee-shirts one more time, however.

Intuitively Counter-redacting Fair Game

Published at December 3, 2007 in I thought it was funny. 0 Comments

Before 2001 I didn’t even know the meaning of the word redacted, and now here I am using it in a sentence. While at the local Borders & Noble, I spotted a copy of Valerie Plame’s book Fair Game: My Life as * **** ** ******** ** *** ***** *****. I had to look up the name of the book on Amazon, but thanks to some embittered prick in Washington, I could recall her name with little effort. What was that book called? Oh darn it, I forgot the name, but it’s by former CIA operative Valerie Plame.

When plugging her book, Plame would point out that large swaths of her autobiography were redacted by the CIA, because they involved classified information. I thought chapter eight on Iraq’s WMDs would make for some extremely light reading, and guess what? Like the WMDs in question, much of Valerie’s chapter couldn’t be found either:

What caught my eye, though, was the one orphan towards the bottom of the left page, standing alone in its own paragraph. What was this one brief word that Valerie wanted to emphasize so badly? My guess:

“None.”

So consider my completely unscientific stab in the dark. It was probably that or penis.

And thanks to all the mentions of the CIA, Valerie Plame, redacting things, Iraq, WMD, and so forth, I would like to say hello to the CIA operative reading my blog. Now stop screwing around on the internet and get back to work transmitting radio messages into my fillings.

Songs not to wake up to

Published at October 24, 2007 in I thought it was funny and Songs Not to Wake Up To. 1 Comment

I present you with the worst of AM radio — not the AM band, but rather any music that wakes you up before noon. I heard the first two yesterday and now today. I think JACK FM is trying to kill me.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World
Choice lyrics: “Welcome to your life, there’s no turning back”

Love Till Tear Us Apart
Choice lyrics: “When routine bites hard, and ambitions are low”

Another One Bites the Dust
Choice lyrics: self-explanatory

Destination Unknown
Choice lyrics: When will my time come? Has it all been said and done?

The Message
Choice lyrics: Got a bum education, double-digit inflation / Can’t take the train to the job, there’s a strike at the station

Older
Choice lyrics: You’re older than you’ve ever been. And now you’re even older.
(Since they never play this song on the radio, if you do hear it, it’s pretty clear somebody hates you.)

Wot
Choice lyrics: I woke up this morning I was feelin’ fine, but this cat starts banging man, what a swine.
Ironic considering this is a song about trying to get some sleep.

What Have I Done To Deserve This?
Choice lyrics: How am I gonna get through? How am I gonna get through?

You Can’t Alway Get What You Want
Choice lyrics: You can’t always get what you want / You can’t always get what you want / You can’t always get what you want

Longview
Choice lyrics: Peel me off this velcro seat and get me moving / I sure as hell can’t do it by myself

Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song)
Choice lyrics: Is that all you get for your money? / If that’s what you have in mind / yeah if that’s what you’re all about / Good luck movin’ up ’cause I’m movin’ out.

More Yahoo ‘News’

Published at October 19, 2007 in I thought it was funny. 5 Comments

I hate writing about other news. It relegates blogging to nothing more than being a johnny-come-lately breathlessly enthusing, “Hey, did you guys hear what just happened??” Discovering news and discovering a news story are definitely not the same thing. Check out your favorite blog and tell me 90% of it isn’t reporting on someone else reporting news, paired with 10% navel gazing. (Me, I’m shooting for 100% navel-gazing with trace amounts of useful information.)

With that said, here again are links to stories from the front page of Yahoo! that are most assuredly not ‘news’:

Continue reading ‘More Yahoo ‘News’’

Can I get two tens for a five?

Published at October 16, 2007 in I thought it was funny. 0 Comments

I love an obvious scam. I know it’s coming, but I’m willing to let it go as far as it can just for the experience of it, only to back off before any money changes hands. I guess I’m a bit of a con tease.

I was heading to The Cat & Fiddle on Sunset Blvd. when a scraggly man asked me if I had change for a $10. I didn’t have any singles, but I did have two fives. That’s cool, he said. Why he would need two fives was beyond me, but a stranger asking for money raised enough red flags that anything else suspicious is just icing on the cake.

“Man, it’s so hard to get change in this town!” he said, stretching to reveal he’s going commando under his uncomfortably low-riding camo shorts.

I pull two fives from my wallet, clumsily letting a third fall to the ground, just to see what’ll happen. Alas, he tries nothing. I hold my fives out and grab his ersatz ten.

“Oh… I accidentally washed it.” he grinned from behind cracked teeth.

His ten looked about as convincing as this:

Wake up, Sheeple!

There it was on matte ink-jet paper, JPEG artifacts and all. “No.” I said, “You printed this out.”

And then I handed it back to him.

Didn’t tear it in half, didn’t crumple it up, didn’t just take this shady ten spot from his counterfeiting ass, just handed it back to him. Sorry, and good luck with the next mark!

I’m such a rube.

Speaking of inhumane…

Published at October 3, 2007 in I thought it was funny. 0 Comments

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but damn, eight hours?

Michael Vick takes eight-hour PETA course in empathy

The money quote from the group’s president:

“[blah blah blah mawkish sincerity] We weren’t interested in some kind of PR ploy.”

Yes, a lesson on empathy from the woman whose organization compared eating meat to the Holocaust. Afterwards, she then went on to lose an argument to Mike Godwin.

My phone is trying to tell me something

Published at August 22, 2007 in I thought it was funny. 0 Comments

I don’t know where my phone got the idea that I live some kind of crazy lifestyle, but here are a few of the things its T9 auto-complete thought I was trying to TXT:

  • Have a baby on Halloween
  • Wish I’d skip on the Hat
  • get lock from your mistaken Chang
  • put Ice on santa
  • Get up Cupcakes
  • Get up Like a Virgin is Parking
  • galang galang galang galang galang galang
  • You should consider re-evaluating the life choices you’ve made for yourself the over last few years.

Crazy phone, huh? I have no idea what it’s talking about!

I Saw You in Captivity at a Hostel Last Summer

Published at August 7, 2007 in I thought it was funny, Video and Work. 1 Comment

Like a billion other suckers, I made a commercial to help advertise the most ubiquitous condiment on earth.


Hmm… looking at it now, I have a feeling this entry may not even get in. But please, watch and enjoy. And rate it 5 stars as often as you can. Thanks, fifteen readers!

Also, here’s me enlightening Todd about the highly complex process of video production:


Todd: It would take a computer programmer to explain it.
TimToon: Okay, let’s say X is your education, and Y is your skill. Let’s both assign them a value of NULL.
Todd: I’m with ya so far.
TimToon: Set up a while loop incrementing them until either one equals Success or you hit 32, then exit.
Todd: Wow, I’m gonna kill you.

And he’d be right to! Can’t wait for this exchange to show up on bash.org!

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