I try to avoid foods with high-fructose corn syrup in them, not because I’m a health nut (you should see the things I try to eat), but because I don’t want all of my food to have the same cloying, artificial taste of sugarized corn. I want my orange juice to taste like oranges, my granola bars like granola and my cilantro to taste like ass. (I don’t like cilantro.) This is why I get juice with no HFCS in it, jam made with real fruit, and prefer soda with nutritious cane sugar. So imagine my surprise when a friend of mine pointed out how Ralphs still sneaks HFCS into my diet. How? They add it to my bread. Children’s bread, Mandrake!
Archive for the 'Genuine Sarcasm' Category Page 3 of 10
I have less than a week to use my one song credit for the iTunes store and I still haven’t decided what song I want to buy. I would spend it on Positively 4th Street if I didn’t already have it, since I find that song positively hilarious. This guy’s some friend!
But I have a feeling my money’s going to be on this.
What can I say, I’m a Tom Tom Club fan.
I think it’s about time I upgraded my website.
I mean I like the green/white/yellow color scheme… but it makes the whole thing look more than a little, er, 1998. I don’t want to fall into that design trap of 2007 where every site looked like Apple’s everything was shiny shiny with pointless Web 2.0 badges and ‘wet floor’ reflections, and I don’t want it to look like the 2008 trend of having a site covered in a mess of splatters and spray paint, like Jackson Pollock threw up all over Banksy. I want a site that looks modern and which will feature what it is I’m working on, and the blog part of my site pushed back so my fears and failings aren’t quite so, erm, prominent.
I was picking out my tenth pizza from the Ralphs frozen food section when it hit me. I had just signed up for fall classes at Santa Monica City College that day, and I realized I was still eating the same thing now as I was the first time I was a student. I came to LA a student at UCLA and a decade later ended up a student attending a city college, with precious little to show for in between.
I have to keep telling myself this is all just part of starting over at level one, but it’s small comfort.
BBC News interviewed Robert Hunter, former ambassador to NATO, this afternoon and he had a few choice phrases to use condemning Russia for its invasion of the nation of Georgia.
We are now at the endgame of this dastardly attack by Russia into Georgia. If the Russians know what’s good for them, they will try to wrap this up as fast as possible, and be responsive now to the leadership of the European Union and the French President Sarkozy, to get some peacekeepers in to find a way to disengage forces and for Russians to go home. I think one has to recognize that the country that stands to be the big loser in all of this is not the United States, not even Georgia with its tragedy, but Russia itself.
In the Soviet Union, they had a phrase, called “correlation of forces” — don’t give me all the words, tell me who’s got the big clout. Russia doesn’t have a big clout, it’s got a lot of oil and gas. They don’t have a lot more. One of the dramas of the Beijing Olympics this last week was here’s little Georgia, being attacked by Russia, took them four days to do what they did militarily, while off in China, you see the future of Asia with this extraordinary potential in front of them. Russia needs the outside world. This isn’t like 1921 under Lenin or ‘45 under Stalin. If Russia doesn’t behave itself, it’s going to isolate itself and it’s going to pay a huge price for this little adventure they allowed themselves to get into.
Now for a little find/replace… and voilà ! Instant parable:
We are now at the endgame of this dastardly attack by [America] into [Iraq]. If the [America]ns know what’s good for them, they will try to wrap this up as fast as possible, and be responsive now to the leadership of the European Union and [NATO], to get some peacekeepers in to find a way to disengage forces and for [America]ns to go home. I think one has to recognize that the country that stands to be the big loser in all of this is not [Russia], not even [Iraq] with its tragedy, but [America] itself.
In the Soviet Union, they had a phrase, called “correlation of forces” — don’t give me all the words, tell me who’s got the big clout. [America] doesn’t have a big clout, it’s got [a need for] a lot of oil and gas. They don’t have a lot more. One of the dramas of the Beijing Olympics this last week was here’s little [Iraq], [still] being attacked by [America], took them four [years] to do what they did militarily, while off in China, you see the future of Asia with this extraordinary potential in front of them. [America] needs the outside world. This isn’t like [1933] under [The New Deal] or ‘45 under [Roosevelt]. If [America] doesn’t behave itself, it’s going to isolate itself and it’s going to pay a huge price for this little adventure they allowed themselves to get into.
Thank you for your valuable and not at all ironic insight, Mr. Hunter!
It’s amazing how venturing out from the shitty little corner you’ve backed yourself into can change your outlook on life.
Three weeks ago, I had put up with too much, been shafted too many times and I had finally snapped. Last thing I remember was me picking fights with the Best Buy security over their store policies, with the hope of getting the police involved. An act my friend Jen referred to as “trolling irl”. Yes, this is what crazy people do.
Then after a week visiting my parents, I realized that Best Buy, the post office, the IRS, LA civil court, and Costco don’t matter, and I’d be wasting my day by spending it fighting with them. I have energy. I can spend it fighting windmills, seeding my world with misery, or instead spend it in ways that make me happy. Why not try that?
That was the attitude I had going to this year’s Comic Con — don’t let outside bullshit ruin your day, it shouldn’t be important enough to do that. That helped me weather the shitstorm of traffic, parking, lines, and all the things that made this year the worst Comic Con yet and instead let me just take in the good things that did happen.
One of those things was getting to hear Grant Morrison speak at one of the panels. Listening to him always makes a person feel unique and special, like we are all gods on earth, a reminder that we’re the architects of our own reality. No, I’m not going to shave my head and start speaking in a nee-intelligible Scottish brogue like some new-age convert to the church of Grant, but he put words to thoughts that I couldn’t. To wit: I had always thought The Invisibles‘ protagonist King Mob was based on Grant Morrison — but it’s Grant Morrison who’s based on King Mob. If Morrison wants to live as a character in his master work, he can do it. If he wants to dress in pinstripe suits, drive a Maserati and look to all the world like a super villain, he can do that too. He can change his life into what he wants it to be. We all can. We are the gods.
I realize I must sound like a born-again Christian — only without the christianity. I feel so changed by these ideas that I want to share them with everyone, which I realize must make me incredibly insufferable to be around.
A quick post-script: I met Morrison at a signing that weekend and got to tell him that The Invisibles changed the way I see the world. His face lit up with what I imagine was pride, then he told me that all this is God’s dream.
But on the plus side, I’m doing a lot of baking.
Dave Bowman: You see, something’s going to happen. You must leave.
Heywood Floyd: What? What’s going to happen?
Dave Bowman: Something wonderful.
After attending several panels at last week’s Comic Con, I’m starting to cringe whenever anyone opens a question with the stalling phrase of “I was wondering…”
Yes, of course you were wondering. That’s why you asked the question, isn’t it? I understand that this linguistic tic is used in moments of anxiety, such as during public speaking, and especially when addressing someone you admire, but, um, I was wondering… why don’t we drop this extended filled pause to our questions and simply ask them directly?
And while we’re at it, if we could stop IT people from opening their answer to a question with “Basically…” that’d be just peachy.
VH1 has been honoring The Who all week. It’s been really inspiring to hear from Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey about the motivation and meanings behind Tommy and songs like Won’t Get Fooled Again, as well as having them deconstruct their music for the benefit of a n00b like me. But that sense of daring artistry is instantly deflated when I hear about that deaf, dumb and blind kid for the 400th time.
U.S. terrorism watch list tops 1 million
If we’re winning the war on terror, shouldn’t the list be getting …shorter?
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