Is this health food safe to eat?

Blog | Mar. 15, 2010

xobiotic mystery

The irony being that an important part of eating healthily is knowing what you’re eating, yet I have no clue what the hell these things are.

They are wrapped in brown plastic, so they look like a candy bar. But they don’t say things like CHOCOLATE on them. Judging by the front of the package alone, it is ‘XoBiotic’ which — according to my rusty etymology skillz — ‘Xo’ means alien or other, and ‘biotic’ means living. Which would make this alien anti-food. What has a name that starts with X that isn’t followed by “The Conquerer” or “Space Mercenary”?

The second artifact is an “Xoçai MEGA” which — an X and a cédille? It’s a name better suited to a Quebecer’s fighting robot than a piece of candy. Maybe the MEGA means it’s for body builders? Does Creatine come in chocolate?

What other clues are there? It has 750mg of Flavonoids, which doesn’t do anything to quell that uneasy alien feeling. Is that a lethal dose?

It also has a staggeringly low or high ORAC VALUE of 5,100, which would be helpful if I knew what that meant. The only word I do understand on this thing is ‘Squares’, but as the package seems to actually contain one rectangle, I’m not convinced of that, either.

Flip the item over and find a note that *ORAC & Flavonoid values may vary. So it would seem the ORAC value is only accurate to two significant digits.

What flavor is it? The second item has orange slices on it, so that’s easy to assume, but the first block has green bubbles. Mint? Algae? Organic soap? Maybe it’s just decoration, since nothing else on this package gives a clue to the enigma inside.

Whom is it made by? The back label says it’s from Brunswick Labs, which is a peppy name for a candy company. Or maybe it’s just certified by Brunswick Labs, meaning it has been tested to contain no more than the maximum number of xenomorph spores safe for human consumption?

No wait, that is just the inspector. It is produced by MXI Corp, of the ominously generic Trademark Drive, Nevada. David Cronenberg, meet your chocolatier.

Although the texture is like pressboard, and I’m guessing the taste is akin to tree bark, I have not completely ruled out eating one of these things.


One Response to “Is this health food safe to eat?”

  1. jen says:

    Suddenly I’m craving a good old-fashioned white-sugar-laden Snickers bar. At least I can be sure that it comes from my home planet.