An open letter to the Virginia Tech shooter

| Apr. 18, 2007

Dear VT Shooter,

I thought I’d share some advice with you, even though I’m sure you’re going to ignore me because you’re dead.

It can be tough for a young man having to deal with the hundred billion transgressions of his fellow students. Were it me, I would’ve said “enough is enough!” around 760 million.

But one hundred billion, really? I mean if that’s one transgression per second, you must’ve been schooled, like, 24 hours a day for the last thirty centuries. Not only did you massacre VT’s undergrad students, but you’re doing a number (no pun intended) on hyperbole as well.

I hate Mondays

You were angry at your peers, I get that. It’s the guy in the backwards baseball cap (oops, just saw that photo of you, my bad), it’s the guy in the polo shirt with the popped collar, the one with a red plastic cup of vodka and red bull, it’s the girl in the pink sweatpants with JUICY lettering on the ass. It’s her three identically-dressed friends. It’s the dude noodling on his electric guitar upstairs at 1:00 AM during finals week when you’re trying to study. It’s that asshat who set a couch on fire on your street. Those are the rich brats you meant to gun down.

Instead, you killed 32 half-asleep, overworked students when you tore through those classes Monday morning. Because when I think of hedonistic revelry, I think of students getting up, bleary-eyed, for a 9:00 AM math lecture. And let’s stop and take a second to think about who had all that free time to go around killing other students? We were all in class that morning, where the fuck were you? Oh that’s right, you were dicking around with your guns and making videos of yourself. God, I feel like such a hedonist by comparison. Let me get back to my wicked study group so I can pass this class on sin and the cosine.

I know you feel justified killing all those strangers because of the 10^12 times your soul was raped (speaking of which, you may want to work on your metaphors), but how should I put this delicately? Boo fucking hoo. Maybe if you weren’t so emo about not having the cushy life you were brought up to think you were entitled to, this wouldn’t have happened. Perhaps you need to learn to take problems in stride and not see a spree killing as the solution to that girl not going out with that one psycho asian with no friends. Do you see where I’m going with this? Sorry, I can’t get past the soul rape thing. I mean, I don’t know if it’s even possible to rape a soul… and college campuses already have a pretty liberal definition for what counts as rape as it is.

And this from an English major, too. Jealous of the easy and care-free life of people taking classes to calculate multiple integrals, find the derivative of dx/dy and solve for i. I even studied that shit for two years and those are the best examples I could come up with. Clearly, these were not the golden necklace wearing, Mercedes driving hedonists you were looking for. You were looking for the business school.

You said you would die like Jesus Christ, and you did come very close apart from the mass murder part. But I bought my bible second hand, so it may’ve been missing that chapter where Jesus killed all those innocent people.

Well, that’s all I have to say. If you’re upset by what I wrote, just remember: you had a hundred trillion trillion quintillion chances to stop this. You made me do this.


3 Responses to “An open letter to the Virginia Tech shooter”

  1. anon says:

    This guy was mentally ill, not emo

  2. anon2 says:


    He was mentally ill and pretty god damned emo about it. quit being so sensitive.

  3. Jakob says:

    This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title en letter to the Virginia Tech shooter at TIMtheTOON. Thanks for informative article